Wednesday, 1 December 2010

loudmouth + inappropriate

That is what I am often considered. And I hate it. I hate it when saying the truth, identifying the elephant in the room, announcing the emperor has no clothes, saying things for what they are turns people off.

Don't get me wrong - I am not insensitive. I don't insist on abolishing kind-hearted white lies. I never blurt things out to hurt people, and I don't remember the last person who left my vicinity feeling shitty about themselves. Really. I am probably one of the most considerate, sensitive people you'll meet. People leave me feeling good about themselves (or, of course, annoyed with my ways). But NEVER shitty about themselves because of something I said.

But pretense, useless social graces, small talk, fake emotions, pretend interest in the weather, fabric softener, the lunch menu this week... I am just CLUELESS on how to mask my feelings and feign interest. The spontaneous manufacture of bullshit. I just can't do it. And it's not even that I disdain or judge them; I am hurt by those who judge me for choosing not to play that game.

I LOVE people who are down-to-earth, who are bold and unabashedly themselves. People who see truth, are truth, whose humanity is stronger than their psycho-social survival constructs. And I spent my late teens and 20s fiercely striving to be that kind of person. I know the manners, but I shirk them. I know some people think swearing is unladylike, but I find it powerful. There's nothing funnier and more tension-releasing than the perfectly-placed, or, even better, imperfectly placed f-word.

This is not my goal because of a late-adolescent rebelliousness, but because life is life. People are life. We all see mostly through the spectrum of our own experience. And there is nothing that creates a bond and establishes our common humanity more than showing vulnerability. When one person shows the other vulnerability, and the response is compassion, a bond if formed. Trust is created. A step is taken in the direction to world peace.

I am sounding so cheesy I know. But why can't people understand this about me? Why do people judge me by the wrapping that my thoughts come in? Do they not realize that the superiority they might exhibit is but an invisible, impotent weapon and that the effects of their illusion can hurt? I suppose I just contradicted myself. Their impotent weapon isn't so impotent if it can hurt.

I spent my life up until now trying to rid myself of masks. And now I have to create them again.

Or am I inching closer to selling out?

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