Tuesday, 16 June 2009

sadness about the end of nursing

I am a little sad, I have to admit, about stopping my nursing and pumping.

Well, pumping really. Lucas hasn't latched on in c. 3 months. But with the cortisone treatment that has lowered my production to barely anything, and which also means pump and dump for a week, mixed with the fact that he doesn't even latch on anymore, needs more milk that I am producing and that I will be travelling to Canada in less than 10 days, forced me to make the decision to just stop.

Crazy, though. I find nursing mostly a pain in the ass. Very rarely the relaxing bonding experience it is supposed to be. Yet both times I have finally cut the boob off, I have been really sad. Like I am cutting a link to my children. I also feel a little guilty about it being so soon. Lucas is only 9 months. According to some it is a lot, but not the mothers that I admire.

We are currently leaning towards having a 3rd baby (of course, only in 3 years, when both are at pre-school, both out of diapers, both sleeping thru the night, both eating everything and by themselves!), and the thought of having to go through all that initial pain of nursing again just makes me sick! The cracked nipples, the uterines contractions that resemble labour, the let-down pain, the lack of freedom to drink, etc.


Double bathing

I just gave both Lucas and Sebastian a bath at the same time. I had been putting it off because I was a little lazy. The idea of having to hold Lucas to make sure he doesn't fall off was a little dissuading. But it went okay. And they both had a blast. It's true that it cuts bedtime in half. Then again, Tiziano helped by dressing Lucas and giving him a bottle while I read to Sebastian.

Next step, dress them together, and read to them together.

Viva cortisone!

Cortisone has saved my life. I woke up two days ago (well, woke up is a positive way of describing what I did after the terrible night I had), with my hands pussing non-stop, burning, cut, in agony.

Tiziano forced me to go to the Emergency at the hospital. I did. I cried like a baby. They immediately gave me a shot of cortisone in my butt, and wrote out a super duper prescription of high doses of cortisone and antihistamines for a week.

Well, now, just two short days later, I have just about NOTHING on my hands! The sheer freedom of being able to use my hands to pick up the kids, change their diapers, feed them, bathe them, put their clothes on, bla, bla, bla. I am loving being a mother again!!!

Only downside is that I have insomnia, and a little nauseau at times.

I really hope this doesn't return when I stop the drugs. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...

Wednesday, 10 June 2009


Today was the first day in a LONG time that I was home with both kids for the WHOLE day. And holy cow, did I forget how tiring and stressful it is! And everything is especially difficult because I am basically a cripple. My hands are so bad. And they are worse when I get little sleep and/or am stressed. Which means today they were really acting up. I am getting REALLY sick and tired of this friggin eczema. I need a quick fix, fast. I ended up drinking coffee and coke a week after my homeopathic treatment, and I don't know whether that is why it didn't go away. It did get worse, though, which could be part of the remedy or it could be because my mom was here.

Anyway, back to my day as full-time SAHM. Despite the difficulties, it was really nice. I tried to chill and not worry about what needed to get done or not done. I tried not to look at the clock and just went with the flow. I really enjoyed playing with Sebastian and taking pleasure in his joy and curiosity. I also spoiled him a little. Bought him toys, and a lollipop, and let him ride the horse at the market. But I needed to do that. I couldn't come back home after so much time away and be a bitch.

Anyway, I am relieved that tomorrow is mostly back to normal!

Off to watch Desperate Housewives! :)

Monday, 8 June 2009

Finished work!!!

Yes, I am finished work for the summer! YEAH!!!!! I have already turned my work brain off. Crazy how quickly I disconnect! I was so excited to go back in January, but now, I am so happy to be back home. That is really the advantage of my work: just when I am sick of working, I get c. 3 months off. Just when I am sick of being a SAHM, I get to go back.

I love my life!

Peace and chaos

Not peace and quiet, because I will be taking care of my beautiful little bundles of laughter and tears, but you see what i am getting at, right?

My mother left! Hurray!

Yes, despite my anticipation of her arrival, my anticipation for her departure was probably just as strong. It got to the point where I couldn't even hear her voice without cringing internally. Everything that she says seems to be either negative, self-aggrandizing, or critical (of me). Even when what she says is meant as positive, humble, or praising (of me). Her void and neediness are sooooo draining! More tiring than taking care of two babies under 3.

I live by the saying: "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change yourself. Don't complain." Maya Angelou. And my mother seems to recharge her batteries by draining mine. It is like a volcano of negative energy that leaves her body in direction of mine, and a thirsty desert that sucks out all my positive energy. Well, it isn't always positive, but all my energy anyway.

I want to just be.