Monday, 8 June 2009

Peace and chaos

Not peace and quiet, because I will be taking care of my beautiful little bundles of laughter and tears, but you see what i am getting at, right?

My mother left! Hurray!

Yes, despite my anticipation of her arrival, my anticipation for her departure was probably just as strong. It got to the point where I couldn't even hear her voice without cringing internally. Everything that she says seems to be either negative, self-aggrandizing, or critical (of me). Even when what she says is meant as positive, humble, or praising (of me). Her void and neediness are sooooo draining! More tiring than taking care of two babies under 3.

I live by the saying: "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change yourself. Don't complain." Maya Angelou. And my mother seems to recharge her batteries by draining mine. It is like a volcano of negative energy that leaves her body in direction of mine, and a thirsty desert that sucks out all my positive energy. Well, it isn't always positive, but all my energy anyway.

I want to just be.

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