So last week, I had a birthday party for Sebastian and we invited 4 of his friends from "school": Greta, Christian, Davide, Diego. I was so happy that he actually had names of kids he wanted to invite. Only Greta and Christian came, but it was so wonderful! They were both such sweet little children, and I could tell that he made friends with the shyest kids in school. Sebastian is veritably enamoured of Greta. As he should be! She follows him everywhere! Everywhere he walks, she's right behind him walking in his steps. Craziness! I've never seen anything like it. Of course, I don't want to sexualize little kids, but I can't help but wonder what attracts kids to each other. In Buddhism, you are attracted to yourself. Your environment is a reflection of yourself. Plus you add karma, and interconnected dynamics, and it becomes quite obvious the kind of people and relationships one has. Or rather, the relationships are like a mirror of the person at any given moment.
I am very proud of the fact that Sebastian is "attracted" and "attracts" such a sweet, gentle little girl. And the little boys were shy, but normal and fun-looking.
Diego even gave us a gift even though they couldn't make it! I can't wait to see more of them!
Wednesday, 22 December 2010
missed concert
I missed my dear Sebastian's first Christmas party at school.
Yes, I am terrible. I feel terrible. I want sooooo much to see him sing with his classmates. I ache at the thought of him up there on stage, singing with pride.
And I missed it because I was napping with Lucas.
I can only reassure myself with the fact that he was oblivious to my absence. He didn't ask me why I didn't go. He seemed not even to care. It's as if he is aware how unimportant his school is, how illusory everything is. How fake it kind of is. It's as if he is an observant in the whole process. Like I am too I guess.
But still, it would have been so delicious to see him perform!
Next year, I will be able to see them both! Yeah!
Yes, I am terrible. I feel terrible. I want sooooo much to see him sing with his classmates. I ache at the thought of him up there on stage, singing with pride.
And I missed it because I was napping with Lucas.
I can only reassure myself with the fact that he was oblivious to my absence. He didn't ask me why I didn't go. He seemed not even to care. It's as if he is aware how unimportant his school is, how illusory everything is. How fake it kind of is. It's as if he is an observant in the whole process. Like I am too I guess.
But still, it would have been so delicious to see him perform!
Next year, I will be able to see them both! Yeah!
two kids!
You look great for having had two kids!!! People say, thinking I will be flattered. But it's bullshit. There's no excuse. I lost all my babyweight right after Lucas. And lots of it came back. And it came back because of chocolate, and wine, and pasta, and cookies, and sedentarianism. Not from the babies. My hips are wider, yes, but the bobbles are from the cheese. My boobs have changed shape, but the arm butter is from the cake.
So now I am going out dancing for the first time in years, and I feel like shit. I am going with a friend who also had a kid, and whose body has not changed one bit from before. I hate Italian women.
So now I am going out dancing for the first time in years, and I feel like shit. I am going with a friend who also had a kid, and whose body has not changed one bit from before. I hate Italian women.
grumpiness
I have come to a new conclusion - staying at home with the kids renders one grumpy, controlling, impatient, negative, annoying, along with a few other unflattering traits.
And how did I come to that conclusion, you ask? Lo and behold, after 4 days straight at home, that is exactly what I've become. For the past few days, I've blamed my grumpiness on pms, on being sick, on being tired. Today is day 2 of my period, I got lots of sleep, and after today's nap, I am almost free of my head cold. Yet tonight, I was Miss Grumpy and Miss Yeller.
I completely lost it with both of them tonight during bathtime. I got a call from a long-lost friend just as I put Lucas in the bath with oatmeal for his eczema. When finally Seb finishes his tv program and lounges his way over, I put him too in the now brown bathwater. He starts freaking out that there was caca, which I doubted. After checking with Lucas, of course, he concurred, and acknowledged that yes, he DID do caca in the bath.
AHHHH!!!!!!!!
So I get off the phone with long-lost friend, take them both out and my anger starts to escalate. WTF!?!?!? Lucas is nearly 2 1/2. He knows full well he's not supposed to poop in the bath. He knows how to say when he needs to go. So of all places!!! Then, when they are both out, and I am trying to drain and scrub the tub, Seb the princess starts to gag and cry, from the supposed smell (btw, there was no smell). He then proceeds to throw up, twice. In between throw-ups, he's yelling at Lucas to stay away, blablabla. I lose it on both of them. I am swearing and raging, and throwing things.
And this was the second time today I lost it that bad.
And then there are all the little scoldings, voice-raising, impatience, annoyances. Even with the simplest of actions, I get almost instantly frustrated if things don't go exactly my way. When something drops, when I make a mistake, when I have to go out of my way to change a plug, when things spill, I am a timebomb. With grumpiness and rage on the verge of spilling at the slightest provocation. And now I have eczema starting again.
I think I should not have a 3rd kid.
And how did I come to that conclusion, you ask? Lo and behold, after 4 days straight at home, that is exactly what I've become. For the past few days, I've blamed my grumpiness on pms, on being sick, on being tired. Today is day 2 of my period, I got lots of sleep, and after today's nap, I am almost free of my head cold. Yet tonight, I was Miss Grumpy and Miss Yeller.
I completely lost it with both of them tonight during bathtime. I got a call from a long-lost friend just as I put Lucas in the bath with oatmeal for his eczema. When finally Seb finishes his tv program and lounges his way over, I put him too in the now brown bathwater. He starts freaking out that there was caca, which I doubted. After checking with Lucas, of course, he concurred, and acknowledged that yes, he DID do caca in the bath.
AHHHH!!!!!!!!
So I get off the phone with long-lost friend, take them both out and my anger starts to escalate. WTF!?!?!? Lucas is nearly 2 1/2. He knows full well he's not supposed to poop in the bath. He knows how to say when he needs to go. So of all places!!! Then, when they are both out, and I am trying to drain and scrub the tub, Seb the princess starts to gag and cry, from the supposed smell (btw, there was no smell). He then proceeds to throw up, twice. In between throw-ups, he's yelling at Lucas to stay away, blablabla. I lose it on both of them. I am swearing and raging, and throwing things.
And this was the second time today I lost it that bad.
And then there are all the little scoldings, voice-raising, impatience, annoyances. Even with the simplest of actions, I get almost instantly frustrated if things don't go exactly my way. When something drops, when I make a mistake, when I have to go out of my way to change a plug, when things spill, I am a timebomb. With grumpiness and rage on the verge of spilling at the slightest provocation. And now I have eczema starting again.
I think I should not have a 3rd kid.
Sunday, 19 December 2010
patient mother
A saint even, is what my aunt and uncle from Peru call me. I am loving it and soaking it all in.
It's all relative, of course. This is my mother's family talking, the family of sharp-tongued, entitled, beautiful people who have little tolerance for anything or anyone who is less than perfect in every way. I was raised by one, duly traumatized by it, and I have chosen to fight my unforgiving instincts and be a loving, patient, fair, kind and affectionate mother. To make my children my priority, without being my obsession. So of course, when they are having temper tantrums, and whining, and demanding, and selfish (as 4-yr-olds and 2-yr-olds are wont to do), I try to be compassionate and respond in patience, fairness, kindness and love. I mostly don't succeed at it all, but I try my fiercest. So of course they say this when every example of motherhood my aunt and uncle have seen, most recently in their daughter with her 5-yr-old, falls into the more tyrannical category. They are amazed at my patience.
I on the other hand know what goes thru my head, and mostly I am at tipping point. I want to just yell at the kids "Shut the f**k up already!" or, "Fine, don't eat at all! Go outside naked! I couldn't give a s**t anymore!"
But I don't.
I am breaking the cycle, one day at a time.
Actually ... you know... they might be right... Maybe I AM a saint!
It's all relative, of course. This is my mother's family talking, the family of sharp-tongued, entitled, beautiful people who have little tolerance for anything or anyone who is less than perfect in every way. I was raised by one, duly traumatized by it, and I have chosen to fight my unforgiving instincts and be a loving, patient, fair, kind and affectionate mother. To make my children my priority, without being my obsession. So of course, when they are having temper tantrums, and whining, and demanding, and selfish (as 4-yr-olds and 2-yr-olds are wont to do), I try to be compassionate and respond in patience, fairness, kindness and love. I mostly don't succeed at it all, but I try my fiercest. So of course they say this when every example of motherhood my aunt and uncle have seen, most recently in their daughter with her 5-yr-old, falls into the more tyrannical category. They are amazed at my patience.
I on the other hand know what goes thru my head, and mostly I am at tipping point. I want to just yell at the kids "Shut the f**k up already!" or, "Fine, don't eat at all! Go outside naked! I couldn't give a s**t anymore!"
But I don't.
I am breaking the cycle, one day at a time.
Actually ... you know... they might be right... Maybe I AM a saint!
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
local school or workplace?
I work at a school. Today I went to a Christmas concert where all the elementary school kids were on stage. The pre-school kids were Sebastian's age and they were A*D*O*R*A*B*L*E. I even reconsidered sending Sebastian to the school...
Then by the end of the concert, where I had spent most of it watching my colleague's children, I again was happy that my kids will NOT go to the school I work at. First of all, I would always want to see them and be with them. I would micro-manage their teachers. I would analyze every single aspect of their education and question the people I entrust them with for results, practices, techniques, pedagogy, qualifications, etc.
But, most terrifyingly, I would hate the gaze of my colleagues as they observe, judge, analyze my kids and see reflections of me.
It is really better for them and for me that I work far away from the world where they will grow and become themselves.
Then by the end of the concert, where I had spent most of it watching my colleague's children, I again was happy that my kids will NOT go to the school I work at. First of all, I would always want to see them and be with them. I would micro-manage their teachers. I would analyze every single aspect of their education and question the people I entrust them with for results, practices, techniques, pedagogy, qualifications, etc.
But, most terrifyingly, I would hate the gaze of my colleagues as they observe, judge, analyze my kids and see reflections of me.
It is really better for them and for me that I work far away from the world where they will grow and become themselves.
drunk
So I got home from work, and found out from my mom that hubby came out completely shit-faced today. I have never in my entire life seen hubby drunk. Tipsy, MAAAAYBE, but not even sure about that. The crazy thing is that hubby has an unnatural aversion to any kind of substance abuse, even in it most functional, inoffensive forms. He HATES people who drink too much. In fact, we had to get rid of nanny because he thought she liked the bottle too much (whether she did or not is still arguable).
Moreover, today is my mom's last day with us. She had both kids (instead of the usual one), and tomorrow she spends the day travelling. Tonight I am supposed to take her out for dinner. And he showed up back home at nearly 6pm, and is now passed out in the bedroom.
Of all days... Life never stops getting interesting does it?
Moreover, today is my mom's last day with us. She had both kids (instead of the usual one), and tomorrow she spends the day travelling. Tonight I am supposed to take her out for dinner. And he showed up back home at nearly 6pm, and is now passed out in the bedroom.
Of all days... Life never stops getting interesting does it?
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