number 3

Am back from the void. Now that it's out that I am preggers, I can write here again. I couldn't write anything real since I found out I was preggers, basically because I am mostly consumed with nausea. It affects everything I do, my moods, my mood swings, my interactions with people, my family, etc. How can I recount anything without referring back to this constant underlying grossness...

So, now I can complain in peace. I feel like s**t. Yup. In the past week, I've woken up feeling okay, which is nice. But every afternoon and evening, it comes back. From now on, actually, we can call it the Beast. Though I really do hope it will leave soon. It has been since August 9 that I have not had a single day where I felt okay. Today is October 20. This is bulls**t.

**Forewarning** All blogs will be EXPLICIT and R-rated until Beast dies.

End of March baby no. 3 arrives. It seems redundant to even mention that I want a girl. I have a feeling it's a girl. Then I have a feeling it's a boy. Then I wonder if I get these feelings as some kind of emotion/expectation-management coping mechanism. I had this terrible dream last week where I found out that Baby no. 3 was a boy and I was devastated, crying non-stop, etc. I woke up with a terrible feeling in my gut. In general, I don't feel like that - I will be fine if I have a 3rd boy. I mean, of course a tad disappointed, but I will be happy for Seb and Lucas that they will be 3 brothers. But this dream was terrible. And that is what makes me want not to get my hopes up - I don't want to feel like that. I want to love baby no. 3 as I do no. 1 and no. 2. And I will, I know, but I want to love him/her a priori, instantly.

5 more weeks until the next US. 5 very slow weeks...

Hopefully Beast will be gone by then. This is complete bulls**t.