back from workland

I stayed on campus for 4 days and just came back home today. It was really, really weird. When I stay at TASIS to sleep, it's like I dissolve into another world. The two realities are so very different. And although I am very happy to be back home ("I need home for a rest"), I have to admit though, I had a blast. I drank and ate at every event, danced to my heart's content two of the three nights, and socialized peacefully, knowing that no one was waiting for me at home, that I didn't have to drive home and back, and that I just had to walk down the street to hit bed. I was the last one out of every party... ;)

However, I am so fortunate to be able to experience the joy of coming home to my lovely little Lucas. Sebastian is at his grandparents, so I was able to "godere" Lucas this afternoon. He is just mesmerizing, spectacular, enchanting, adorable, scrumptious, sweet, delicious, innocent, curious, gentle... And I have two beautiful little baby boys.

And as cliche as it may sound, these boys, my life here, my husband, mother, home, garden, dogs, kitchen... THIS is Life. Not the fun drinking wildlife that I just re-visited these past few nights at TASIS. That is bullshit. Illusory fun. Politics. Deception. Decadence. The Emperor with No Clothes.

Stress

Incredible. My strongest, most incontrollable anxiety comes from my kids! When I hear one or the other fuss, and I can't respond fast enough, I stress. And I stress so bad I have cracked, bleeding, itching hands full of exzcema. All I want is a few days ALONE. With NO ONE around. To walk, sleep, eat, and just stare into space. To swim, to think, to read, to write, to take a bath. When will this ever happen? How many months from now?

Sigh...

Disfrutar, gozar, godere...

Words in Spanish and Italian that are not quite "appreciate" or "enjoy." They are better. And they are verbs for what I would like to do with my children. I want more than to appreciate and enjoy, I want to godere. This weekend, which should have been about resting and spending time with my kids, I was busy entertaining, shuffling them around to my various appointments. And I was EXHAUSTED. So whenever I was with them alone and had a few moments to play with them, I barely had the energy.

A colleague at work says that she can't even look at the photos of her sons when they were little because it hurts too much. Will that be me? Will I look back at the photos with pain and think I wasted these years with them? I can't let that happen. I must ENJOY them to the maximum.

Screw alcohol!

I drank too much last night, and I had a shitty, terrible, hung-over type of day. I never want to drink again.

Alcohol

I love it... In vino veritas. But really, why again is alcohol so bad??!? I mean, when I drink it, I feel good! So what's the big deal? Because this isn't facing reality, escaping it? So? If reality sucks, why not start drinking?

Cellulitis?

Is there or is there NOT a "cure" for cellulite??? TOday, I paid 100CHF for a 2-hour anti-cellulite treatment. First time ever. Treatment I mean. Definitely not the first time I ever had cellulite, that's for sure!

The woman measured me at key points of my body, before and after, and I immediately shrunk 20cm cumulatively. And she wasn't being "furba" either. She didn't tighten the measuring tape after the treatment. So yes, that space is gone.

BUT, my pants didn't feel any looser. And I still see TONS of cellulite. My office mate says it takes about 5 times and it really works. The esthethist says that lymph nodes stimulation stir everything up over a few days, and that it is mostly water.

Is it? Did it go away and I just have so much of the stuff that I don't see the difference? Or am I falling prey to the placebo-self-fulfilling-prophecy-fake-it-till-you-feel-it predator?

Negativity

My mother ...

saving grace,
wonderful grandmother...
bottomless well of love and energy with my kids...
generous with her time...

IS SO FRIGGIN NEGATIVE ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE!!!!

AHHHH!!!

Grandparents

Sebastian is with my in-laws until Thursday. I can't get over how much free time I have with just one baby to care for. What in goodness' name did I stress out about before Lucas was born? Crazy, crazy, shit.

HOwever, I do also feel a little guilty, as usual. I miss Sebastian. And I LOVE him silly. But the fact is that I like it when he's at his grandparents, because everything is easier. Hopefully Lucas will let us all sleep tonight!

Menstrual binging

I have been eating way too much these past few weeks. I don't what it is! Today was going so well, I ate mostly proteins and healthy carbs. No sweets. Took a walk at work. And of course, it is as if I ate too healthy today, because this evening, no controlling myself. I HAD to have the chocolate covered wafers. Now, instead of going to bed feeling light and inspired for tomorrow, I feel stuffed and guilty. I have gained 6 LBS since going back to work, and bikini season is starting soon. And I just don't have time to excercise. I hate these incontrollable cravings! I thought the ones from the weekend were because I was pms-ing. Can today still be written off as menstrual binging? I guess I am going to have to pretend it is, because no going back now!

UGH!

Misbehaving

I just finished supervising my LAST SATURDAY DETENTION EVER!!!! YEAH! I HATE Saturday detention. Not only is it a logistical pain in the ass, it ruins my weekend, I don't the rest I need in time for Monday, but the actual work - supervising a bunch of attention-seeking misbehaving brats - is painfully draining.

I am reminded by how incredibly immature young people usually are, by how much energy they waste on such stupid stuff. Just the amount of time they spend whining, passing notes, trying to get my attention by chatting, asking to go to the bathroom, asking me stupid questions, they could just take the time to work, read, write, do their homework. The time would pass sooner, they would get their work done and so have more free time later, and they would NOT get on my nerves.

And I don't WANT to spend all my time with young people by yelling, or disciplining, or catching them. Mostly, if it isn't too blatant, I try to ignore their antics. But when they are so friggin obvious, I can't let them get away with shit. So I have to command respect. UGH.

Then sometimes I do enjoy bantering with them. It's true, that the bad-asses are usually more spunky and interesting. And often, even more intelligent. I come away from these Saturday detentions knowing a few more names, and a few more personalities.

However, I would like to have my interaction with the kids be more meaningful, fun, interesting.

NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!

dance class

I went to my delicious jazz dance class tonight. Only my second time, and I LOVE it! Dancing is just about the only activity that will guarantee that I think of nothing else, that will wipe my mind clean of all anxiety, thoughts, feelings... I LOVE it! And I DO feel guilty taking this time for myself, because my kids don't see me the whole day, because my mom or TIziano has to put the kids to bed, because I feel like I shouldn't be experiencing so much pleasure that is totally unrelated to my children.

But I know that a happy mom makes for a better mom.

That when I spend time on me, I am more happy to spend time with my boys.

But in THEIR world? Mom is gone all day, and then she doesn't even come home to put us to bed. Why? Because she is taking a dance course...

Mother's Day and other bullshit holidays that I care about...

Yes, I do care about getting spoiled rotten for Mother's Day. Yes, even though I know it is bull. A commercial scam. An illusion of appreciation. A flowershop's dream.

But I want to be appreciated!!!! I want people (i.e., my husband and my kids) to show me they appreciate all I do JUST because I am a mother. Even though Tiziano shows me in a million different ways that he appreciates me...

...

...well, actually, no, he doesn't ever really show me he appreciates me...

...

...even MORE reason to spoil me rotten on this ONE day of the year!!!

Of all the holidays in the year, the only ones I really care about are Mother's Day and my birthday. And I very shamelessly remind Tiziano when these important dates are approaching. "Three weeks to my bday, love!" ... "Two weeks to my bday, love!" "One week to my bday, love!" "Did I ever tell you how much I LOVE surprises?" "Birthday is the day after tomorrow, love!" etc.

And he STILL manages to fudge it up. Running the night before to the local jeweller's and asking for whatever there is in silver that is in his budget.

I should just give up. :(

Baptism rivalry

Four years ago, we arrived late to my nepphew's baptism. My sister- and brother-in-law were VERY upset. When his boss came late, it was all smiles and ass-kissing. But us, they shunned us and have shunned us ever since. I was getting hopeful for a while there, when Tiziano's brother bought a Christmas gift for Sebastian. This is his way of making peace! But he has refused every single invitation we have ever given him. He has never been to see our house, never met Lucas, never really tried to form any kind of bond with Sebastian, and has now invented a shit excuse to not attend our baptism.

That's it. I don't ever want to see them again.

And I hate that I feel this way. I have avoided this phrase from the beginning, thinking, 'No need to be as petty as they are. Be the better person. Swallow your pride and continue trying.' Well screw that. If they wanted to punish us, they could have just shown up late to our baptism. It would have ended there. But for some reason, our 15 minutes lateness merits much more rejection than tit for tat.

The crazy thing is that they have a single child, and have the most to benefit from cousins, etc. We at least have two sons close in age, who will keep each other company throughout their lives. We need the family less than they do.

And I am still willing to ignore that bitch for the sake of our children. Let them have beautiful childhood memories and bonds where blood is thicker than water.

And Tiziano's mother obviously does NOTHING to bring them together. She makes up excuses for him, and seems to not mind having single relationships with all her children. None of her children have real relationships with each other. How crazy is that? Then again, she has a brother who she hasn't spoken to in over 20 years. What can a brother do in order to completely alienate his own sister?

Then there's my mother's family. THey have done all kinds of crazy shit to each other, and they still love each other to death. When push comes to shove, they step up to the task.

I guess the bonds that tie Tiziano to his family are murky and plague-infested waters! My sons will be linked by the thickest of bloods there are!!!

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my two little boys. I love them so much it hurts and aches and makes me crazy. I love them so much I want them to be inside me again like before they were born. I want to swallow them up and swing them around and squeeze them tight. I want to cuddle with them and croon to them, pat them to sleep and stroke their foreheads.

I want to shield them from hate and anger and greed, and give them the strength I don't have to never get hurt. How am I supposed to let them go, watch them suffer, and just stand by, knowing that it is the best thing a mother can do to support her children? How am I going to teach Sebastian that gentleness and sensitivity are strengths, when I know how much more suffering he will have to go through because of it, when I know that deep down, I am not sure whether I even believe that sensitivity is a worthwhile trait to have.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my two little boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Attached siblings

So I think Lucas slept thru the night last night, for the first time since Thursday night (i.e., 4 days). And it is also since Sebastian has been gone at his grandparents. After ruling out tummy ache the first night, teething the second night, overstimulation the last night, we have come to the conclusion that it may be the absence of Sebastian.

Sounds crazy. How can little 7 month Lucas notice, let alone, CARE that Sebastian is gone for a few days? I mean, yes, Lucas stares at Sebastian the whole day, follows his every move, cries when he cries, and stops fussing when Sebastian comes and tickles/kisses him. But WOW!

The good side is that now that Sebastian is home, we can hopefully sleep again. The bad side is that I will be apprehensive every time I have to leave Sebastian at his grandparents.

Sponaneity

Non-existent when you have children.

I have always thrived on spontaneity. It was my drug in a drug-free existence. Nothing like last minute changes to last-minute plans to tempt destiny and flirt with fate! The excitement of predicting all the new and exciting things that could happen, of re-arranging in my head all the new and improved possible outcomes...

Well, that freedom drug can now be likened to antibiotics, with its adverse side-effects of nausea and anxiety. And since most of the spontaneous changes our outside of my hands, I start forming paranoid thoughts such as why now, why me, why that?!

I just got an email from my sister saying that her new flight leaves from Amsterdam at 6pm. Which means it arrives at 7:40pm. So I re-arranged my entire afternoon around her mid-morning arrival, and now I can't re-arrange it back, which means I have to take time off work for NOTHING. I have to pick up Sebastian, go home to meet the priest, and then I still have to drive super far to pick her up tonight.

UGH.

I need stone to set things into.

Guests

Guest season has started! Yeah!

Although it is super hectic, I have to admit I love having guests. They make me appreciate everything about my life. Although I know that I would have it no other way, I sometimes feel overwhelmed, dazed, half conscious of the days that go by. Yes, even a little imprisoned. (I said it, yes, imprisoned, shoot me!)

But when people come to visit, and they can't get over how beautiful the area is, how delicious my boys are, how wonderful my husband is, how awesome my job/workplace is, it makes me stop and enjoy things with a fresh perspective.

My high school friend, who I reconnected with through Facebook, just left, and my sister and her hubby arrive tomorrow.

The only negative aspect of this fresh perspective is that there is little room for complaining, which I obviously need to do once in a while! And my sister is not one to listen sympathetically to complaints.

Sigh, another 10 days of appreciating things non-stop!!!! ;)

Night nurse

I just found out that a FB friend of mine who just had a baby, has hired a night nurse. She sleeps 8 hours straight, 6 days out of 7.

WTF????

My immediate reaction was like you BAD MOTHER! Offloading the work onto someone else. Then I thought about it, realized that a good night's sleep makes us better parents exponentially, and why shouldn't she invest in a night nurse if she could afford it?

Then envy started creeping in. And my subsequent reaction was YOU RICH BITCH! Then I thought about it and realized that she lives in Mexico city, where labour is cheap, and a professional could probably afford to hire someone to do everything, so really, if I were in her situation, I too would hire someone to do night duty.

Then I just resigned my self. My karma has had me going without sleep for many, many years: first it was insomnia, then it was sleepless babies. Next it will be adolescent boys.

At least I have a cleaning lady...