hubby back from vacation

And I didn't even notice he was gone. Well, I did, but it was because I could do what I want, and had to take out the garbage myself. Otherwise, no difference. And now he's back, and we've exchanged about 50 words, and here I am blogging, and there he is watching TV.

I don't get why marriage is such a big deal. Why do people want to get married? Why do women think it is the end all of all things? It is mostly tedious, boring, and annoying.

Maybe I expect too much from marriage. But, really, I noticed this week, I have trained myself to expect nothing. And nothing I receive but someone to help pay the bills and keep the house.

I may have picked the wrong man. BUt I know that I didn't. When I met Tiziano, he was exactly what I needed and wanted. And thanks to him, I have grown and matured. But now I want more: I want a friend, a companion to do things with and talk with, and to get excited with about nothing and everything. All he gets excited about is windsurfing, the weather, cars, manual, practical stuff.

Ugh.

cry it out or not cry it out...

was one of the latest Momversation podcasts. Indeed what a topic! The longer I am a parent, the humbler I become. ONce upon a time, I was completely AGAINST crying it out. When I finally resorted to it with Sebastian at 14 months, I became completely FOR crying it out. Now with Lucas, I play it by ear, and completely ALTERNATE based on my levels of patience, sanity and sleep deprivation.

Last night for example, I did a little of both.

At circa 2:30am, I let him cry for 30 seconds, felt guilty, then went in and soothed him. when I put him down. He cried.

I then did NOT let him cry and went in to soothe him again. When finally he lay sleeping, I tiptoed back into bed, and just when I was dozing again, he cried.

I then let him cry it out. Which, thankfully, lasted all of about 5 minutes.

Then I couldn't sleep, and now I am really, really, really tired.

colleagues

My work places me in the line of fire almost constantly. Funny thing, really, because I am really very sensitive. I also have this unhealthy compulsion to want everyone to like me. Ironically, I cannot, EVER, brown-nose. And, because of my absolute disgust of brown-nosing (the minute I feel that someone is brown-nosing, I immediately get grossed out and my respect for them plummets), I also have difficulty dealing with authority. I get so self-conscious of the fact that their perception of me directly influences my life, that if anything, I do the opposite: I determinedly refuse to follow simple rules of etiquette and social appropriateness.

I digress.

The real reason I talk about this is because some people at work treat me like such shit. The same people who treat me like shit, often treat MOST people like shit. But, since i take everything personally, and I totally believe in karma, it really gets me down.

I digress.

Why can't people just say please and thank you!!????!

I miss my little boy...

I spent the weekend with Sebastian, alone. I haven't been really alone with him in over a year, since the birth of Lucas. Oh my dear, sweet little loveydove Sebastian! I L*O*V*E him sooooooo much! How is it possible to bond so intensely after just two days. I rarely miss my kids when I go back to work on Mondays. Well, I do a little. But today, I teared up multiple times at the thought of sweet, little, gentle, loving Sebastian. He is at his grandparents until Thursday...

Then, seeing Lucas after 3 days away - I L*O*V*E little Lucas sooooooooo much! When did he get so big? When did he learn to do so much? He isn't a little baby anymore, he is a little boy. Giggling, teasing, communicating, nearly walking. He's his own little person, so like Sebastian, so not like Sebastian.

OMG, they are incredible.

Bad day at work

Nothing like a bad day at work for me to seriously LOVE my children all over again. That is probably the single most beneficial aspect of being a "working mom": makes me appreciate how lucky I am to have a life with so much more in it. I am not the shit people throw at me at work.

Then again, my office mate today teared up because her beloved daughter was leaving home again (she works out of Geneva and was only in the area for work). She misses her daughter terribly, and can't believe that both her girls are all grown up. Then my other office mate was talking of another colleague's loneliness due to HER daughter living far away.

I admit, I don't have much sympathy right now. There is nothing I crave more than for alone time. To enjoy my children, but not have to give up substantial amounts of sleep and free time to do that. To have adult conversations with them, but then go to bed on my own with a good book. All the women I mentioned are serious home-maker types, who went to work only following divorce or widowhood. They would rather be trophy wives and housewives than working women. So I think that maybe I will be able to avoid the existential crisis they are going through, because I am the farthest thing from purely wife and mother!!

But then again, I may not escape this seemingly universal. And if karma is in any way directly proportional, I will be sharing an office with a young woman half my age who disdains me for being so petty.

:/

Brain Malfunction

Today I was exhausted again. I suppose I should preface it with the question, “What else is new?” But this summer, I felt that I could always catch up within a day or two. Now it is back to the daily grind and living for the weekend naps.

Ugh.

And my brain is a serious mess! I can’t think straight, I can’t make simple calculations, I can’t remember what I did a few hours earlier, I can’t really function properly. My memory and fluid intelligence is seriously wounded. And I REALLY, REALLY hope that once I sleep normally again (maybe in a few months or years), my brain power will come back.

Right? Please! I really can’t add another daily exercise (i.e., memory exercises) to my daily schedule. My usual needs are all being neglected and I can barely keep up: exercise, writing, chanting, reading. I have to add memory exercises? How about my desire to learn German. Will that ever happen? I can barely muster up the energy to not lose it with my kids and to do a mediocre job at work. Where am I going to get any more energy, wherewithal to add to that.

AHHHHH!!!

Mother blues

A whole summer has passed since I wrote. Internet access, bla, bla, bla. Then knowing it’s been so long since I wrote creates another block: I have so much to catch up on, where do I start, how do I intro into my post-3-month-absence blog…

Done.


My mother still isn’t talking to me. What a tragedy. I fluctuate between relief (she can be a real pain in the ass!), sadness (is this to be the end of our relationship? Will my children not have their maternal grandmother/godmother), rage (how dare SHE of all people, criticize MY mothering, to the point of not wanting to have anything to do with me!?!?!), indignance (how can she be so blind to the fact that I am a really good daughter, better even than she deserves), and pity (poor hurting soul to resort to such drastic measures for so little).

And I am just so tired. I don’t want to have to deal with this emotional tantrum, this cruel silent treatment. I am 33 years old. Mother of two pre-school-aged boys. Happily married. Professionally successful. And my mother is punishing me because apparently I take her for granted, “abuse” her, don’t consider her feelings enough. WHAT MORE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN I GET HOME TIRED FROM WORK, DON’T SLEEP AT NIGHT, AND HAVE A HOUSE TO CARRY FORWARD?!?! She is a bottomless void of affection and love and no matter what I do, she will never be satisfied.