losing my shit

I feel like I am losing my shit. I am floating above, or parallel to the world, and can't see straight. I am always tired. I don't have any energy. Everything often feels pointless. And yet, I often feel angry, and annoyed. I have also gained weight, and can't lose it. I don't want to do anything anymore. I am feeling overwhelmed. Yet, I am not worried. I know that I am not R-E-A-L-L-Y going crazy. I am just losing my shit. And I want to just stop. Sleep. Not do anything. For a long time. Not have anyone need me, want me, call me, ask me anything. I want to just BE.

"stronger"

I get really annoyed when people say that Lucas is "stronger" than Sebastian. This morning, hubby said that about Lucas when he saw Sebastian whining about being sick. But people say it when they notice that Sebastian is shyer, or less outgoing, or more sensitive. Why is more sensitive less strong? I take it personally, because I, of course, am very sensitive. But the amount of pain a sensitive person withstands (much more, by virtue of their feeling slighted all the time) proves that in fact, they are stronger. Right?

Does anyone else understand my logic?

hubby incompetence

My office mate today reassured that my hubby was not any worse than your average man. And therefore I am relieved. I think.

Story: Lucas has had eczema-type outbreaks for about a year now. And hubby's management of the affair has been just about useless! The latest move was to pay a private pediatrician to do an allergy test, and she didn't! She basically told us to eliminate milk products and his stuffed animal, and to come back in two months. WTF!? The whole reason for not showing up to the hospital appt, organized my our 'public' pediatrician (who said not much different from the private pediatrician) was because it would be a waste of time, and they wouldn't do the allergy test. So, 3 months after our original appointment, we get the exact same verdict, which is a run-around bullshit answer, no allergy test, and we STILL don't know the cause of Lucas's outbreaks!!!

As my other office mate says, this is the cost of going to work and not staying home with the kids. But really, this just means that a woman has to do EVERYTHING!!! UGH!!

"ambition-dulling beauty"

...is a quote the headmaster at T***S once wrote, and which I find to be such a poetic, well-crafted phrase. Today, I was reminded once again how privileged I am as are the people I work with and for. The children from the mother's shelter I volunteer at with a student group came to my work today for a short concert and dinner. The workers were dumbfounded by the beauty of the place. They also perceived the blurry edges of the dream-like reality our students live in.

I rarely feel that awe anymore.

Yet, this is both good and bad. The good is that no, I am not awed by wealth and appearance. I see the students I work with as humans loaded with the weight of ambition-dulling wealth on their shoulders; I see the kids at the shelter as pure uncut jewels, representatives of the universals of the human spirit.

The bad is that I miss out on the breath-taking feelings that accompany first-time visitors to the area. That I take for granted what a wonderful place I work in and live in. That the creme de la creme of the planet is now my point of reference. The bad is that every day, I get closer to wanting to start ironing my clothes. And although this would make my mother-in-law happy, for me, it means the end of more freedom of spirit, the beginning of another limitation in my life!

boring meeting

I had one of the most boring meetings of my life today. I tried to make it a learning experience, you know, learning about how managers try to make their employees think they care about their opinions, learning about how corporate sales people handle angry customers, learning, learning, learning.

But I was tired and grumpy, and the only way I could think was arrogantly: these people with their small little problems, making a big deal about nothing; these people who are clueless about how to use Excel and ask Corporate VPs to little "create columns" in their interfaces, etc.; these defensive Ticino business people who could save so much time, and earn so much more money if they just TRIED to understand that you just need to make customers feel like they are right.

I hate it when I feel all this snottiness and superiority bullshit. It is an illusion. And the fall to earth is painful if I get too lofty. But OMG, what a complete waste of an hour today!

sans hubby

I am heading into 4 days sans hubby. And this is both a positive experience and a negative one. Positive, because I have a live-in nanny, who can help me out during my toughest hours, and positive because my live-in nanny happens to be my closest friend. So it's as if we have a 4-day slumber party! Negative because she will only do a few hours a day, and she doesn't cook or clean. (Yes, unlike most, my hubby actually does alot of cooking and most of the cleaning!) Another negative is that as soon as hubby gets back, I have to go back to work. UGH. I am SOOOOO not looking forward to that.

calm

Am trying to remain calm, go with the flow, you know. What will be, will be. So just enjoy what there is to enjoy, suffer what there is to suffer. I often get these moments of clarity when Sebastian is sick. It's like, I reach rock bottom, and I see more clearly. I wish I could maintain it for when he's healthy and needs my love & patience!!!!

stressing about stress

Every time I organize something fun for my kids, you know, to take them out and about, etc., I get super stressed. The whole process is so friggin' annoying. Last week, I took them to Swiss Miniature. I wanted to take them there in the morning, have lunch, and have them sleep in the car on the way back so that their nap schedule wasn’t tampered with. Simple enough, right? Nope. Because, I had to make sure to get them out of the house fed, peed, clean at by 9:30, so that we actually get there by 10:30, and they could have a few hours of fun. Then, even though I printed out the directions, I screwed them up, and we ended up taking the scenic route, which is the one I wanted to take on the way back. So Lucas fell asleep (sleep routine down the drain), and Sebastian got bored, antsy, and annoying, which made me get all grumpy, and so on. The entire morning was just stressful, annoying, a little boring, and expensive. Add to this having foregone my daily nap... I was a mess. Where's the fun and relaxation in all this???

Tomorrow I am taking them to the zoo. I'm a saint.

time-locked

I have 36 hours to myself. Nothing sounds more glorious or desirable. Yet, I am still a prisoner of the clock. For every appointment I have set for myself is preceded by the hours before it, thus limiting whatever small freedom I had.

I am sitting here waiting for hubby (*wink*, *wink*...), looking at the clock, and thinking how much time for a nap and a movie I will have after he leaves before heading to my 7:30pm spinning class.

Yesterday, I was “off” at 9:30am. And I had to actively relax. Breathe deeply in order to stop my mind and my body from stressing. Is it habit or compulsion? If it’s habit, how long will it take to kick it? Obviously 36 hours isn’t enough. And I think that if I learned to relax naturally, achieve a naturally relaxed state, my daily life will also be less stressful.

That’s what meditation is for. Duh.