dissed at work

Yes, I have been royally dissed once again at work.

It seems that sweet-talking socialites that suck up to some key jerks at my workplace get privileges that override those of us who have too much integrity to play a part in the farce. Why bother feigning fairness, transparency, value if when at the end of the day, politics continue to determine the bosses' decisions.

Fuck it. The seed of anger and bitterness that I have boycotted since my arrival at T***S has been planted, and there is plenty of rain and sun for it flourish.

marriage blues...

...again.

Is it too much to ask your husband to give you 5 minutes from his precious TV time when you get back from work?

Apparently it is. And once again, we fight.

bowel movements

I couldn't believe my eyes: tonight, Lucas, standing up diaper-less, pooping, right onto the carpet. 'WTF!' you exclaim. And I concur.

He had been saying, "caca" for a few minutes, and went into his room and lay down. Bravo. I took his diaper off, and there was nothing. 'Okay,' I thought, 'must have just been some gas.' He got up and ran to the living room, swaggering and showing off his bum-bum, much to the glee of Sebastian. This went on for a few minutes, and I took the respite from the kids' attention to put away some toys.

When I go into the living room, I see Lucas do his concentrating caca face, and watched in disbelief as he relieved himself onto the carpet, very nonchalantly, as if I had spent weeks training him to go potty in the living room!

Of course, his big bro, who can't stand the smell even of his own poop (when Seb goes to the potty, he has to have a glass of water to help offset the smell, and then we have to flush as soon as he hears the splash...), starting gagging and crying, threatening to add 3-yr-old throw-up to the bounty.

Yes, the situation worsened: when Lucas went running back to his room to lay down (so his highness could have his butt cleaned), he went excitedly grabbing his bum, spreading the batter. Then, almost as if on purpose, he sits down with just the perfect movement so that he could wipe the greatest area of his poopy butt onto the bedroom carpet.

Just a day in the life...

familial altruism

Nothing more altruistic than buying a Father's Day present to your children's father when you are not feeling kindly towards him. I am still recuperating from that stupid (outlandishly exaggerated) fight we had on Tuesday, and still feel very little goodwill toward hubby. So I felt the halo hovering above me today when I decided to actually acknowledge Father's day tomorrow by getting hubby a gift.

The truth seeped out in the card, though. I just wrote "Happy Father's Day! You're doing a great job!" in it. I wonder if he could tell it was a little cooler than the usual mush I write him. Probably not at all.

growing up by the lake

Today, I went to the windsurf school with the kids for the first time this season. This unchanging context highlighted just how much Sebastian has grown in the past year, how much more he is able to do, how much more independent he is. He is a real little boy, now. No more baby. No more toddler even. A boy exploring the rocky beach of Lago Maggiore.

The Lake and the windsurf school will be the perfect backdrop to their lives. Their summer routine of Pino, Montreal, Pino will fill their childhoods with memorable moments, smells, feelings. I am so happy for them!!

unravelling

So my kids are sick. And yesterday, Tiziano was sick too. And I just can't kick this profound exhaustion I am feeling. I sometimes feel like I am unraveling, that nothing is real, that my breath is just being fueled by anxious energy. I want to say that it couldn't get any worse. But of course it could. I am one of the lucky ones. Things could get REALLY, REALLY worse. Then I would look back and think that these were the lucky years.

I also don't have any drive or inspiration. Everything seems pointless, and I don't remember what it feels like to care about things. This is mainly a feeling I have about work, but I also feel it towards relationships, and towards any additional teaching or experiences I could expose my kids to.

Am I on the verge of a nervous breakdown? The mild nausea, palpitations, bad circulation, losing sensation in my feet when I go spinning...

I need a vacation.

sneaky brats

No, not my kids. The brats who come into the library late, or come on time, then try to sneak out. Ha! You think I was born yesterday? Yup, I am of the age when I say the same shit that mothers the world over say.

I was a teenager too, once upon a time, and I remember that life revolved around getting and doing things that no adult could find out about. Because adults just don't understand. Oh the conspiracy!

vacation apartment - balcony

So we bought a vacation apartment to rent out. We ran out of money, though, and now we are trying to furnish it. We are completely broke. But, hopefully, we will be able to make the mortgage payments by renting out to tourists in the summer. For now, it has incurred only costs, and has been used more by our nanny than by us! Hopefully, one day, it will earn us money instead of just being a free place for our guests to stay!!

Saturday night special

I have decided that Saturday nights will be special meal and dessert nights. Done. I don't know why it took me so long to actually decide to do this! :/ Friendly Neighbor does it as pizza nights on Saturdays. And today, when I decided I would make something nice, make dessert, and open a bottle of wine (because I am dieting, and Sat. nights is when I make concessions), I thought, 'I could do this every week!'. I would love for my kids to grow up remembering Saturday night meals with fresh, homemade cake. And it's so easy to make desserts and cake with my "Bimby."

I love it when I do something for my family that I am proud of. It happens so rarely.

corporeal expulsion

I have never been a big sufferer of intestinal troubles. I mean besides gas when I am tense, or throwing up in the first trimester of pregnancy, or on my deathbed with pneumonia as a child.

So I am boggled by how to treat the bout of intestinal horror that has taken hold of the men in my house. I read that hydration is the most important thing to watch out for. Bland foods. No too-sweet, too-fried, too-milky foods.

And then what? Do I just sit by and watch as my boys thin out before my eyes, as they expel everything that enters their bodies? Is there anything I can do to actually HELP them??? When has it been too long? When should I call the doctor? Is throwing up as bad as the runs? When do I have to go to meds? And what is the difference between a BUG, a VIRUS, food-poisoning, infection, something-crazy-serious-that-I-should-watch-out-for?

This is so frustrating!! I feel so powerless! And despite knowing that this stuff is normal at their age, it feels like they're DYING in front of my eyes.

some more big bro, li'l bro moments

-During bathtime, when I've finished brushing Seb's teeth, he keeps the glass of water, drinks some and spits it out, over and over again. Every time, every night, it sends Lucas into gut-wrenching laughter.

-After Sebastian has done his time-out, Lucas goes and sits where Seb's time-out space is, and sits there happily, tapping his feet, so proud to be doing the same thing his big bro was just doing a minute ago.

-Sebastian always wanting what Lucas has. Lucas always wanting what Sebastian has.

-Sebastian relishing when Lucas KIND of hits him, so he can yell, "AYA!!!!!" and have mommy scold Lucas.

one year already?

I've been blogging for one year? When did that happen? I feel like I am always talking about "having just started a blog". But it's been a year. I didn't blog as much as I could have, should have, would have. But hey, here I am a year later, and I am still writing SOMETHING.

My writing sucks right now though. I can't formulate my thoughts into language that is funny or moving. It's in my head, but it is garbled, like static on the old TVs. The static is exhaustion. But it feels like brain damage. Will my brain come back? Will my writing return to its former self? Will I return to my former self? Will anyone ever read my blog?

Sigh. As usual...

sleeping arrangements, part deux

The only way to get Sebastian to sleep with nanny downstairs was to make it out like it was a special treat, and play it up. He's been such a good boy! He listened to nanny, ate all his pappa, didn't hurt Lucas (that much)!

I never thought this technique would have worked so well! I am almost sad that he is so excited to sleep with nanny, and not with me. My mother-in-law says that that excitement wanes after a few days.

Damned if you do. Damned if you don't.

Sigh.

sleeping arrangements

With my mother-in-law visiting for a few days, and Sebastian in no way ready (or willing?) to sleep in his big-boy bed, we have to play musical beds. Last night, hubby and I slept in the sofabed that nanny usually sleeps in. We thought it would be nice - I mean, it's been months since we last slept in the same bed together... without children that is. But it ended up being a really bad night. The sofa bed is dented in the middle, and we were both always lopsided, rolling into the middle, or teetering on the edges trying to keep some balance.

So tonight, nanny offered to sleep with Sebastian in the sofabed and leave our big bed to hubby and I. Holy flying friggers this is just craziness! Hubby and I, together? Alone? In bed? For the whole night? Will this one day be a regular occurrence again? Can I, may I, should I dare dream?

freezing temperatures

Is it too much to ask my husband to supply me with daily weather reports? I mean, he already spends most of his lucid, free time browsing websites about windsurf equipment, windsurf races, wind, and weather. He always knows the changing weather reports from all the main channels and sites.

Also, since I have very expressly communicated my switching to scooting to work instead of car, you'd think he would advise me when it is supposed to rain, snow, or go below 0. I mean, really!

which unhappiness is worse?

Last night at dinner with hubby, we were discussing the universal difficulty of raising small children while withstanding the pressure of aging parents. (One of the reasons for my conviction that people should have more than one child.) We were bemoaning the state of mind of both our mothers, and how miserable they must be with their respective problems, etc. But I realized, that if I had to choose, I would rather suffer my mother's unhappiness than my mother-in-law's. Marisa spent her life raising kids who don't speak to each other, stood by the side of a husband who never treated her that well, and is now alone, with no purpose in life. Add to that she never finished middle school, has no hobbies, interests, or pursuits, nor does she have any interest in starting any. She is also unable to change: she doesn't trust change, doesn't like it, doesn't want it, doesn't even consider it an option in anything. And yet at 75, she is built like an ox, and works from sun-up to sun-down. But what kind of life is that?

quiet house

Something very rare in my home. But I lived it for a few minutes this morning, when I was up before everyone else. For months I woke up before everyone else to go to work, but it was dark, and I was busy getting ready, etc. But since last night I slept downstairs, and hadn't prepared my clothes for this morning, when I came upstairs, there was nothing I could do but relish the silence and quiet.

It didn't last long. That feeling of calm and peace has become unfamiliar, and of course, I couldn't handle it. I busied myself getting breakfast ready.